


Ao ~Blue~

by zeon_avalanthe



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-29
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 08:24:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10553182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeon_avalanthe/pseuds/zeon_avalanthe
Summary: Ever since he was a little child, he had always loved the stars.. Ever since he was a little child, he had always wanted to be a star.. But as he grew up, big and famous and at the top -finally a star- he wished that he never wished to be star since the very beginning..





	1. A Wish Upon A Star

**Author's Note:**

> Imported from my LJ account. Unbeta-ed.
> 
> Inspired from one of Honey L Days' song of the same title, "Ao ~Blue~"

_‘Ever since I was a little boy, I had always loved the stars. In the middle of the night, I would always climbed down my bed to gazed at the stars from my open window, and sometimes, fell asleep there with a smile framing my face. I will always got some scoldings from my mother by the morning for being reckless, but I could be careless about it. I loved the stars. So much that I’d wish I could be one someday. From Ultraman to an international soccer player, they were all my childish image of what being a star means, those I tried to become. And after years of hardworks and struggles, I am finally a star now, in a way. But now that I’ve tasted the glam of it, I started to dislike it –no, I hate it. Because in the exchange of being a star, came the dark which would swallow me, slowly and quietly, so when my light is not strong enough, it would erase me completely, into nothingness. And it scared me, that I wished I was never a star in the first place...’_  
  
The young man who stood silently by the road sighed as he pulled his hat lower. He is tired as hell from all the neverending activities he had for a while, but today when he thought he could finally get his well-deserved rest, his bouncy friend suddenly came over with a huge grin on his face right after the practice was dismissed. He planned on ignoring the boy and went with his plan, but cannot bring himself to did so as he listened to what the boy needed to say. And that’s what brought him standing there, waiting for the light to turned green with Yuto on his right.  
  
But it seemed that he was too engrossed in his own thinking that he failed to see the blinking green light above his eyes and the people walked in a hurry past him while he stood there unmoving. Only when he heard his name being called –or rather shouted- that he was brought back from his reverie and into reality. And he widened his eyes in surprise at seeing his company at the other side of the road already before he quickly glanced upward to know that he could still make it to cross the road.  
  
He walked hastily, trying to get to the other side of the road as soon as possible, while silently cursing of why the street seemed strangely bigger today. But before he could reach half of the road, he heard a loud horn from his side and some panicked calls of his mate. The young man braved himself to see, and immediatelly regretting it as he saw a black sport car speeding it’s way and to where he stood. He closed his eyes a second later, bracing himself as to what will be happening. And then, all he knew is pain and he knew no more.  
  
“NO ! YAMA-CHAN !”  
  
***  
  
When the young man opened his eyes, he felt pain all over his body. From the corner of his eyes, he could see people rushing around him on his sides. He tried to call out for anyone, but found it difficult even just to breath, so he gave up and tried to inhale as much of air as possible from the provided oxygen mask around his face. In return, he let out a sound of discomfort which seemingly brought the attention of the people around him.  
  
“He’s awake !” Someone called out and he could see a new guy coming into view.  
  
“Yamada-kun, can you understand me ?” The new person asked him.  
  
The boy tried to move his head but found himself unable to. So he blinked slowly to respond the man.  
  
“Good. You are already in the hospital, so everything will be alright.” The man tried to cheer him up with a smile, which left him frowning.  
  
Without he could ponder about it, he was then wheeled into a room where there are even more people rushing here and there. The room he’s in must have been the treatment room, the young man thought as he tried to look around as much as he could with all the limitations he has. And he never saw any other place this hectic as people started talking one after another.  
  
“Yamada Ryosuke-kun, 19 years old. He was hit by a car when crossing the road. He suffered from head injury, as long as some other minor injuries. In shock. He was unconscious when the ambulance came, but his consciousness has returned as he arrived here.” The man who talked to him before spoke.  
  
“Yamada-kun, you will feel a little prick on your arm, so please bear with it for a moment.” And indeed, he felt a prick on his arm.  
  
“I will be doing ‘ECHO’.” Someone said and soon, he felt something poking around his stomach area.  
  
“Yamada-kun, we will start your treatment in a moment, so it is okay for you to sleep now.” Someone told him with an assuring smile, so he just did as he was told. Strangely, from the little things he did since he woke up in this hospital, he felt unbelievably tired, so sleep comes easy as soon as he closes his eyes.  
  
***  
  
The second time he opened his eyes, he found himself staring at an unfamiliar white ceiling above him and some beeping voice from some machines he could not recognized. He tried to move, but even the slightest movement of his finger caused him great pain all over his body. And just as he was about to look around the room he’s in, he saw a head popped out from the side which immediately showed relief as their eyes met.  
  
“Are you awake ? It’s a relief.” The man said with a sigh. “I’ll call a doctor.”  
  
He was about to call the man when he realized that something being inserted into his throat which prevented him from even let out a single sound. So the young man could only watch the back of the other man as he walked away.  
  
But it wasn’t too long before he could see the man’s face once again, tailing closely behind a couple of a man and a woman who seemingly to be a doctor and the nurse who approached his bed.  
  
“Hello Yamada-kun, my name is Saijou. Do you feel hurt anywhere ?” The doctor asked as he used his stetoschope to check on his chest.  
  
The boy nodded his head slowly, and received a smile from the doctor as a respond.  
  
“I see. I heard nothing wrong in your breathing, so we will took off the intubation and replaced it with an oxygen mask to help you breathe. It would be a little uncomfortable, but I would like you to cope with it for a while, okay ?” The doctor told him kindly and he could only nod as the man proceeded to take the thing inside his mouth out expertly.  
  
A second later, the nurse took the tube away and he was left in a coughing fit with the doctor standing by his side patiently. On his other side, the young man from before stood worriedly while giving his chest a small pat to somehow ease him out from the painful coughs. Which doesn’t really help if he has to be frank.  
  
“Can you try lift both your hands up and grasp the air for me ?” The doctor asked him and he did as he was told. “Slowly.” The man told him before he smiled and nodded his head in satisfaction. “Now your feet. One at the time. Try lift your right foot.” The doctor nodded as he did so. “Okay, now try move the fingers on your right foot.” It was painful, but he still managed. “Good. Now lift your left foot and do the same.” He then lowered his right foot back before lifted his other foot and repeat the same procedure. “That’s good.” The doctor smiled again before he reached the end of his bed.  
  
“Yamada-kun, I will ask you a few questions now. Can you please cooperate with me and answer honestly ?” The doctor pulled the file from his bed end as he spoke.  
  
“Yes.” The young man answered hoarsely.  
  
“Perhaps, you should drink something first to relieve your throat ?” The doctor offered as he signed the nurse to get a glass of water which is soon being delivered to his room. The boy let the other young man to help him up, as he gulped the refreshing liquid down his throat in delight.  
  
“Are you feeling better now ?” The doctor asked him, and he gave the man a nod as an answer. “Very well. Now, Yamada-kun, do you know where you are ?”  
  
“Hospital.” The boy answered confidently.  
  
“Then do you know why you’re here ?” The doctor asked him again.  
  
The young man frowned at that. Now that he thinks about it, why did he ended up in a hospital bed ?  
  
“Eh ? Why did I ended up here again ?” He voiced out his confusion which earned him a look of concern on the doctor’s face.  
  
“You don’t remember ?” The doctor tried to urge him, but he still could recall nothing concerning the incident which caused him to be lying here. He frowned as the doctor wrote something in the file in a rather troubled expression before he stared back at him. “Then, do you recognized this person ?” He pointed at the young man at the other side of his bed.  
  
He frowned at that. “Uhm, I’ve been wanting to ask this since before, but you don’t seem to be the hospital’s personnel. Who are you if I may ask ?”  
  
And when the said person stared at him with disbelief look plastered on his face, he knew that something was wrong with him.


	2. Waking Up To The Unknown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imported from my LJ account. Unbeta-ed.
> 
> Inspired from one of Honey L Days' song of the same title, "Ao ~Blue~"

Ryosuke watched how the young man gave him a disbelief look.  
  
“What are you talking about ?” The young man gave a nervous laugh. “You’re kidding, right ? Yama-chan, it’s me ! Yuto !”  
  
“Yu-to ?” He frowned and the man who introduced himself as Yuto turned to face the doctor, his face helpless.  
  
“I see.” The doctor all the while, continue scribbling something at the file. “Now, Yamada-kun, can you give me a brief introduction about yourself ? Like your families, friends, hobbies, schools. Anything you could remember which are related to yourself.”  
  
The young man frowned again as he tried to recall anything about himself.  
  
“My name is Yamada Ryosuke. I’m 19, almost 20. My family consists my father, mother, older sister, younger sister, and myself. I have lots of pets at my home that we consider as our own family. I don’t have that many friends, but I’ve got this very good friend who shared the same interest with me in soccer and the two of us used to have this dream on becoming a famous soccer player. We played in the same team back then, but we’re at different schools now. He continued with soccer, but not for me. Because of circumstances, now I can only play soccer at my free time just as an entertainment.” He narrated.  
  
“What kind of circumstances ?” The doctor asked.  
  
At the question, the young man frowned once again. “Eh ? What was it again ?”  
  
“Can’t you remember ?” The doctor stopped writing and stared at him intently instead.  
  
He shook his head and the man just sighed.  
  
“I understand. Please continue.” He signaled him to continue his story.  
  
“Uhm, I love sports, especially soccer. Oh, I also love reading manga in my free time. I love strawberry a lot. And eggplant too. There are lots of things I’m afraid of, but I’m scared of high places most. I’m not that good in studying, but not that bad either. You can say that I’m average. My mother always told me that I actually could do better in school, but I’m just too busy to study properly. Though now that I think about it, I don’t know what made me that busy to have no time to study. But I never favoured studying, so since I’ve graduated from high school already, I’m relieved. I have this thought of going to college, but that can wait. I just want to enjoy life at the time being. Though there’s nothing special about my life, I think. Well, all in all, I’m just an average boy.” The young man gave a shrug as he finished his narration.  
  
“I understand.” The doctor nodded down. “Well, as of now, I assumed it was safe to say that you’re suffering from a post-traumatic amnesia. Firstly, because you could not recollect the incident which caused you to be in the hospital. Secondly, you could not recognized this person here. Thirdly, well, you could say that you’re not just an ‘average’ boy. The cause could be any traumatic event which was occuring before the accident which triggered your memory loss when you hit your head, or perhaps that head injury itself. We still have to do more tests to know how much the damage had been inflicted on you along with further interview to investigate your amnesiac condition, but that should be done for later. You must have been tired after talking for that long.”  
  
“I see.” The young man nodded his head dumbly, still dazed with the doctor’s explanation.  
  
“I don’t see any problems with your body functions, but we can’t be sure just yet now. For the time being, you will have to stay in the HCU for easier monitoring just in case your condition suddenly deteriorate. After a few days, we will move you to a private room. If you remember anything, please quickly tell it to anyone or write it somewhere before you can forget about it again. But don’t try to force yourself to remember. They will come eventually, I believe.” The doctor gave him a reassuring smile as he placed an oxygen mask around his face.  
  
“If you will excuse me then.” The doctor then excused himself out, followed by the nurse behind him.  
  
And as soon as the doctor is out of sight, the boy found himself fell into an awkward silence. The other boy from before still stood there, and though the boy seemed to know him, he’s still a stranger to him now. He felt suffocated with the silence, but was too afraid to utter something.  
  
“Yama-chan, do you really can’t recognize me ?” The young man suddenly spoke, and he jerked a bit out of surprise.  
  
“Ah-uhm, yeah. I’m sorry about that.” He looked at anything but his eyes. For a reason, he felt extremely guilty when he saw a disappointed look on the other’s eyes. But it wasn’t his fault that he lost his memory, right ?  
  
“It’s okay.” The boy sighed in defeat. “That can’t be helped so- well, I guess we should just start over again.” The boy smiled but he couldn’t helped but feeling that the smile is fake.  
  
“Un.” And yet, he nodded his head.  
  
“I’m Nakajima Yuto. Don’t worry, I’ll help you to regain your memories back.” This Yuto guy smiled again, but just like before, he felt that the smile is fake.  
  
“Nice to meet you, Nakajima-kun.” He gave the other man a polite bow –or at least, as much as he could manage from his currently lying position.  
  
“Just Yuto.” The man shook his head. “I was too used at hearing you calling me by my first name that it’s weird to hear you call me with such formality.” His frowning face then turned into a worried one as he looked into his eyes. “Uhm, are you okay with me calling you with ‘Yama-chan’ ? I know that I might be a stranger to you now, but I’ve been too used in calling you that way so-“  
  
“It’s okay. I don’t mind at all Na- I mean, Yuto-kun.” He quickly corrected himself. For a reason, despite this Yuto guy being a stranger to him and all, he felt comfortable around him and found no troubles in familiarizing himself with him.  
  
Yuto chuckled suddenly and it confused him.  
  
“What’s so funny ?” He started to feel annoyed when Yuto stared at him with an amused look on his face.  
  
“Nothing. It’s just, that you never changed after all. You’re still the Yama-chan I knew.” Yuto shrugged while giving him a smile, and this time, this smile felt real.  
  
“Why ?”  
  
“Because you called me ‘Yuto-kun’. No one else called me that way aside from you, since long time ago. Even if I’m actually younger than you, you just can’t stop yourself from calling me that way.” He chuckled again, seemingly remembering the past he could not recall. And it somehow made him feel lonely, of not knowing something good between them.  
  
“Ne-“ He called out. “Can you tell me what happened to me ?” He stared at the tall guy, eyes begging.  
  
Yuto sighed. “Alright.” He nodded his head, agreeing to his request. “Well, a few days ago, when the two of us were on our way to this new clothing shop nearby. We were waiting silently at the junction for a moment, waiting for the light to turn green. And when it did, I quickly walked ahead to the other side of the road. And that was when I realized that you were no longer by my side so I looked back. I saw you looking slightly dazed so I tried to call your names from the other side of the road. You wouldn’t respond to my calls so I decided to return back to where you were. But you then started to realized my calls so I halted on my steps and waited for you to reach me instead. And suddenly, there was this car out of nowhere and it came right at you. And suddenly, you were lying on the ground, bloodied and unconscious.  
  
“I panicked as I ran for you, unable to think about anything else. Fortunately, there was this kind man who called the ambulance for you and they took you the hospital. It was a long night as they did their best to saved you. And I could only thanked God when the doctor told me that you will be alright. It’s just, it was unfortunate that you became amnesiac like this.” He looked down, suddenly looking solemn.  
  
“What about my family ? Do they know about me ?” He asked, face filled with curiousity.  
  
Yuto nodded his head. “Your parents were here until this morning. Your father still has his works, and your mother has to return home to see your sisters. But she said that she’ll be back this afternoon.”  
  
“What about you ?” He asked again, earning him a confused look from the tall boy.  
  
“What do you mean ?” He asked back.  
  
“Can you tell me about yourself ? And us ? About anything related to me that I failed to remember.” He told the man who just nodded his head in understanding.  
  
“I see. I will tell you about it all then.” Yuto smiled but then chuckled at seeing a yawn coming from him. “But later. Now you’re tired and need some rest.”  
  
“But-“ He started to pout.  
  
“No buts. You will rest and that’s final.” The tall guy gave him a stern look so he couldn’t argue anymore. “Worry not, I will still be here when you wake up to tell you everything you wanted to know.” He smiled, and as if being casted in a spell, he felt his eyes drooping.  
  
“’Kay then.” He tried to stifle a yawn. “Oyasumi, Yuto-kun.”  
  
“Oyasumi, Yama-chan.”  
  
He could be dreaming, but he certainly felt a warm and gentle hand rested on his head, caressing his hair soothingly. And he felt content as he fell deeper into his slumber.  
  
***  
  
Ryosuke smile awkwardly before nodding his head once. He stared at the many figures standing before him and gulped nervously.  
  
“D-doumo.” He mumbled, a little stumbling out of nervousness.  
  
“Yamada, is it true ?” One of the shortest guy, the one with brown hair asked him, a frown on his face.  
  
“E-eh ? About what ?” He tilted his head, unable to comprehend the meaning of the question.  
  
“About you getting amnesiac ?!” He plunged forward, taking his palm in his and he could only flinch at the contact.  
  
“W-well, I think so...” He trailed off, and the boy sighed in disappointment.  
  
“It’s pretty much a trouble.” The one with goofy face frowned as he seemed to be in deep thought. “The concert is just three weeks away after all.”  
  
“Concert ?” He widened his eyes, surprised at the words being spoken by him.  
  
“I told you, didn’t I ?” Yuto placed a hand on his shoulder, smiling away in the process. “You’re a member of an idol group. And we’re quite popular if I might add. And as Hikaru-kun had said, we will be having a concert in three weeks time.”  
  
“Is that so.” Ryosuke dropped his head, suddenly feeling guilty. “I’m sorry that I caused you trouble.”  
  
“Don’t think about it.” Yuto gave him a light squeeze on his shoulder. “We’ll think something about it. Everything will be alright, I’m sure.”  
  
“Yuto is right.” The flashiest among them all spoke. “For now, you just have to think about yourself and get better.” He smiled warmly.  
  
The boy just nodded his head, still feeling guilty somehow. He barely knew these people here –even when they told him that they’re quite close- and he knew nothing about the so-called concert too, but he felt responsible in this somehow.  
  
“It’s about time for us to leave.” One of the tallest guy said as he looked at his watch. Somehow, he has this older brother image around him. “Yama-chan, we will be returning later. You take care, okay ? Get better soon.”  
  
“’kay.” Ryosuke nodded his head. And then one by one, the eight boys are shuffling out of the room, except for Yuto.  
  
“Will you be alright by yourself ?” The tall guy asked him worriedly.  
  
Ryosuke frowned. “Why wouldn’t I ?” He asked back.  
  
“Nothing, it’s just-“  
  
“Don’t worry, Yuto-kun. I won’t go anywhere, so nothing wrong would happen, right ?” He smiled, trying to ease the other boy’s worries.  
  
Yuto sighed. “Fine. I’m leaving then. I’ll come back soon.” He caress Ryosuke’s hair, before giving his forehead a quick peck. “Take care.”  
  
Ryosuke said nothing as the tall boy left the room. He could only touch the part where Yuto just kissed him, and felt the heat rushing to his cheeks.  
  
“What’s wrong with Yuto-kun ? Doing things like that.” He mumbled to himself.  
  
True to be said, that Yuto had been caring towards him for the past couple of days, even more than what a friend would do. But he never said anything about that and Ryosuke was too coward to ask. So he just assumed that they’re bestfriends, and Yuto is just a very caring friend. And nothing more.  
  
***  
  
“Shitsureishimasu.”  
  
Ryosuke looked up from the book –a manga that is- he’s reading to be faced with a tall boy with rather messy jetblack hair.  
  
“I heard you’re sick, so I decided to drop by.” The boy said as he lifted his hand to show him what he’s having. “I bought some strawberries for you.” He said before placing the plastic bag on top of the drawer on Ryosuke’s bedside.  
  
Ryosuke said nothing since the boy entered the room. He studied the boy’s figure from head to toe and back to his head again. And when their eyes met, he gave him a smile.  
  
“Ryutaro ?”  
  
The called boy seemed to be taken aback by the sudden call of his name.  
  
“I thought you are amnesiac ?!” He asked in disbelief.  
  
“I am.” Ryosuke nodded. “But not completely. Just some parts of my memories. I can still recall few things and few people. And that would be including you, I think ?” He shrugged before he signaled the boy to sit down.  
  
“I see.” The boy shook his head while smiling. “I seriously pity Yuto that you remembered me but not him, but I guess I’m just happy.”  
  
Ryosuke frowned. “You know Yuto-kun ?”  
  
Ryutaro make a contemplative look before nodding his head. “And everyone in JUMP.” He shrugged. “You seemed to remember me, but not about our past.”  
  
“I’m sorry.” He lowered his head, biting his lower lip in the process.  
  
“Don’t mind it.” The tall boy shrugged. “Well, I was a part of JUMP once before. But things happened, and I decided to resigned from the entertainment world.”  
  
“Oh.” Ryosuke commented shortly, not knowing what to say in this kind of situation. Well, he’s no longer a part of the entertainment world too now, in a way. “Uhm, Ryutaro ?”  
  
“Hm ?” He looked up lazily.  
  
“I’ve been wanting to know about this since long ago, but was too afraid to asked it to the actual person himself, but-“ Ryosuke bit his lip, hesitating for a moment. “What is the relationship between me and Yuto-kun actually ? I’ve been thinking that we’re just a very close friends, but his treatment felt different from just mere friends. And with how you mentioned him before, I’m almost certain that we’re not just a close friends.”  
  
Ryutaro just stared at him blankly even after he finished his rants, and he felt more nervous by the seconds with the silence which engulfed the two of them. Until suddenly, Ryutaro just burst out laughing. And at the amused face the taller boy is making, Ryosuke felt himself blushing.  
  
“W-what’s so funny ?” He demanded, feeling slightly offended by Ryutaro’s reaction.  
  
The tall boy just kept on laughing for another few minutes, before his laughters settled down and he wiped the tears from the corner of his eyes.  
  
“I’m sorry.” He let out a small giggle as he still tried to recomposed himself. “It’s just, the way you said that, it was all too obvious.”  
  
Ryosuke pouted as he looked down. “J-just tell me already !”  
  
The tall boy shook his head in disbelief. “Well, you can say that you two are indeed a very close friends, but in a way, you’re not just a close ‘friends’.”  
  
“What do you mean ?” He frowned, feeling more confused than ever.  
  
“It’s complicated.” Ryutaro shrugged. “And I believe it was not my place to speak about it.”  
  
“But I-“ Ryosuke tried to protest.  
  
“Just let Yuto do what he wants to do. And if you’re feeling uncomfortable about it, tell him clearly.” Ryutaro smiled assuringly. “Yuto will eventually tell you about it, in time. I guess, he was still surprised at the fact that you forgot about him. Well, I think he also wanted to give you space by not forcing himself to you and all.”  
  
Ryosuke nodded, but his expression troubled. Ryutaro, who saw this just chuckled.  
  
“Don’t let it get to you. If anything, I believe that Yuto is happy to know that you’re safe and sound, with or without memory about him.” He gave the boy a pat in the head. “So just take it easy, okay ?”  
  
Ryosuke smiled, feeling somehow relieved by Ryutaro’s words.  
  
“Thanks, Ryutaro.”


	3. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imported from my LJ account. Unbeta-ed.
> 
> Inspired from one of Honey L Days' song of the same title, "Ao ~Blue~"

“It’s great that you’re finally being released from the hospital.” His mother smiled as she guided him into their car.  
  
“Yeah.” Ryosuke agreed immediatelly. He was confined in a hospital room for more than a week, and he was tired of it already.  
  
“That doesn’t mean that you’re free to do anything you pleases.” His father came from behind him, hoisting up a duffel bag on his arm, which consists Ryosuke’s belongings from his stay in the hospital.  
  
“I know, I know.” Ryosuke pouted, and his father just laughed at that.  
  
“So, what’s your plan for the day ?” His mother asked him, as she fastened his seatbelt. Ryosuke protested, saying that he could do it himself, but his mother insisted with the excuse that she wanted to spoil her son.  
  
“Actually, I planned on coming to JUMP’s practice.” Ryosuke shrugged.  
  
“You can’t !” His mother said sternly. “You’re still recovering, and Saijou-sensei clearly told you that you can’t overexert yourself.”  
  
“Relax, Mom.” Ryosuke sighed. “It’s not that I will do something there. I just wanted to, watch. Beside, Saijou-sensei also recommend me to come to places I often visited so maybe it could triggered something from my memories.”  
  
“But-“ His mother protested, her face laced with worries.  
  
“Let him be.” His father shook his head in amusement. “I personally agreed to let Ryosuke have his time and familiarizing himself with those around him.”  
  
“Dad, thank you !” The boy squealed happily.  
  
“But remember not to push yourself too much. I don’t want to hear you complaining afterwards about getting too tired or something.” His father warned him, and Ryosuke quickly nodded his head giddily.  
  
“ _Tou-san_.” His mother shoot her husband a disapproving look, but his father just smiled at it.  
  
“It’s okay. Nothing will happen. Just trust Ryosuke.” His father told her. “Don’t worry, I will text Yuto-kun to watch over Ryosuke there.”  
  
It amazed Ryosuke at how his father trusted himself to other people –nonetheless, Yuto in this case. But his mother seemed to be relieved when his father said that, so he let it go.  
  
A little over an hour later, his father then parked their car in front of a building and Ryosuke quickly climbed down the ride. He looked around, before seeing a familiar figure half-running to where he stood.  
  
“Yuto-kun !” He called out, surprised to see him there.  
  
“Yo ! I’ve been waiting~” He grinned cheerfully, before bowing in respect toward Ryosuke’s parents.  
  
Like Ryosuke is a little boy and Yuto is his guardian, his mother just handed the taller boy a backpack which he received happily.  
  
“Ryosuke has not his lunch yet, so if you could please accompany him for lunch. I did not prepare a lunchbox for him, but I’ve put some money for the food. And remind him to take his medicine after the meal. The prescription is written, so you should be alright. I packed him a couple of jackets, and also a mineral water. I know I’m being fussy, but I hope you will look after Ryosuke while he’s here. And when you’re about to go home, just use taxi instead of the train or bus. I’ve put enough money for the cost here.” His mother ranted and Yuto just nodded his head while smiling calmly.  
  
“Mom ! I’m not a kid ! You don’t have to ask Yuto-kun to do all those ! I can do it myself, so- don’t trouble him like that !“ Ryosuke’s cheeks flushed at seeing his mother being all fussy like that.  
  
“It’s okay, Yama-chan. I don’t mind at all.” The tall boy gave him a warm smile. “Don’t worry, aunty, uncle, I will watch over Yama-chan properly.”  
  
“I’m counting on you then, Yuto-kun.” His father squeezed Yuto’s shoulder before climbing into the car, with his mother followed reluctantly after him. Yuto waved at them as they drove away, before he took Ryosuke’s wrist and pulled him inside the building. “Come on, Yama-chan. Everyone had been waiting for you.” He smiled and Ryosuke could only nod while trying to hide the upcoming blush on his face.  
  
The taller boy then lead him to where JUMP’s room might be, all along greeting everyone they came across. Ryosuke just bow his head down behind Yuto, while half-heartedly answering the greetings people sent him. A little while later, Yuto opened one door, and inside, stood seven other people who seemed to be waiting for them.  
  
“Ryosuke !” The shortest of them all flung forward and latched himself onto Ryosuke’s neck. “I miss you~” He squealed.  
  
Ryosuke just smiled while giving the boy a pat in the head. “We just met yesterday, didn’t we, Chinen-kun ?”  
  
The younger boy pouted as he released himself from Ryosuke’s neck. “I told you, it’s Yuri or just Chinen. Please stop calling me with such uncute names.”  
  
He was at lost at what to say. Doing the actual thing is harder than the words. It’s just weird to call people you don’t really know with such familiarity. Except for Yuto-kun, somehow.  
  
“Let him off, Chii.” Yuto pulled Ryosuke away from Chinen’s grasp as he lead him to the couch by the end of the room. “Yama-chan, I wanted you to stay here while we practice, okay ? It will be over in an hour so by then, we could grab some lunch.”  
  
Ryosuke nodded automatically, and Yuto gave him a pat in the head in return.  
  
“Good boy. Now, don’t hesitate to call me when you need anything or if you’re feeling uncomfortable, okay ?”  
  
He nodded again, and the taller boy smiled before he returned to where the others are.  
  
“Okay, everyone ! Now that Yama-chan is watching us, we have to do our best and made no miss so not to embarass ourselves in front of him.” Yabu-kun, the one that he thought has this older brother aura, said. He then turned his gaze to a certain someone. “Understood, Keito ?”  
  
The said boy just smiled sheepishly before nodding his head. “I’ll try my best.”  
  
“Yosh, let’s do this !” He yelled out.  
  
“Ough !” The rest of them followed suit before each of them scrambled to their position.  
  
As soon as Yabu-kun gave signal to the operator by the corner of the room, music blasted inside the room and all of them started to dance. Ryosuke could only watch in awe as the eight of them move expertly from one place to another, eyes focusing in every steps they’re taking. He listened to the song and saw the dancing moves, somehow feeling a nostalgic feeling washed over him. And unconsciously, he began to hum the melody of the song being played across the room, not failing a single bit.  
  
He was just beginning to enjoy himself when the music stops and Yabu-kun announced that they’ll be having an hour break. And a second later, Yuto is already standing in front of him, pulling his backpack from his side with one hand, and his wrist with the other one.  
  
“Come one, Yama-chan. Let’s get something to eat.” He told him bouncily.  
  
“Eh ? But aren’t you tired ? You could just take a few minutes cooling down yourself, you know. I can wait.” Ryosuke frowned, feeling slightly worried at seeing the sweats rolling down Yuto’s face.  
  
The taller boy just chuckled as he grabbed his towel and wallet from his own bag when they passed by, before bidding everyone goodbye as he lead him outside.  
  
“It’s okay. I’m not tired.” He flashed him yet another bright smile and Ryosuke just blushed at seeing it.  
  
They took the elevator to reach the cafeteria at the ground floor. Yuto told him that there’s this good restaurant nearby, but it’s a hassle to go out of the building, so that place would have to wait until next time. Now, the cafeteria’s foods would suffice.  
  
As soon as they reached the not-so-crowded cafeteria, Yuto asked him what he wanted to eat. Contemplating for a moment, he asked Yuto to choose for him instead. Yuto should have more information of the recommended dishes here, and from experience, he knew that Yuto would never pick something he doesn’t like. So he left everything in Yuto’s care.  
  
The tall boy just smiled at his request before nodding his head in understanding. He told Ryosuke to sit as he order their foods, and he already made a face which told Ryosuke that he left no room for complaint. So Ryosuke could only pout as he sat by himself at the table near the window, waiting for Yuto to return. In the meantime, he busied himself by rummaging the contents of the bag his mother prepared before. He has his package of presribed medicines for one, a mineral water, and not only one, but three jackets packed skillfully inside the not-too-big backpack. He looked further and saw his wallet hidden in between his three packed jackets. So he assumed that Yuto is buying their foods with his money. He noted to himself to pay it back as soon as the tall boy is returned.  
  
And just in time, when he heard some shuffling sound as Yuto placed the tray on top of the table before he seated himself at the chair across him.  
  
“I got you curry rice, I hope you’re alright with that ?” The tall young man looked up at him with hopeful eyes.  
  
He gave the boy a smile before nodding his head. “Yeah, it’s alright.”  
  
Yuto looked relief before the two of them dig into their foods. For about half an hour, they ate while talking about every little things. Ryosuke tried to know about Yuto better, while Yuto just simply comply to his every questions.  
  
“It’s about time for us to return.” Yuto said as he checked into his watch. “Take your medicines now. We’ll go back to the practice room afterwards”  
  
Ryosuke pouted as he rummaged into his bag and grab his medications. He had hoped that Yuto forgot about it and let him off. But he guessed that he can’t run away from those small untasty pills. He gulped down the many pills in disgust. His face must have been looked funny, ‘cause the next thing he knew was Yuto laughing at him.  
  
“Don’t laugh at me !” He yelled out, feeling half-insulted half-embarrased.  
  
“Sorry, sorry~” Yuto chirped out, before he took Ryosuke’s hands and lead him bag to where the practice room is.  
  
***  
  
It was weird to have yourself waking up seeing your very own ceiling after days sleeping on a white-washed room with permanent disinfectant smell, but it was weirder to have someone you just knew a few days ago sitting by your bedside, smiling at you, as you opened your eyes.  
  
“Yuto-kun !” Ryosuke squirmed away after recovering from the shock at seeing the tall guy looking at him as he slept. “What are you doing here ?”  
  
Yuto just laughed at his reaction before he lifted the blanket from Ryosuke’s body and folded it up neatly.  
  
“I’m free today, so I thought that I will guide you around the city. But I was too excited, I guess ? That’s why I got here much earlier than expected.” He explained calmly as he pulled Ryosuke up and ushered him into his bathroom. “Your mother let me in, by the way. Now go and wash up ! We have a long schedule awaited us.”  
  
Though still feeling confused, Ryosuke did as he was told and went into the bathroom to get ready for the day. It was amazing at how casually Yuto picked the clothes he ought to be wearing today, but Ryosuke already got the surprise of the day so he let it off.  
  
The two of them went down and into a kitchen, to be greeted by Ryosuke’s smiling mother and smirking father. His sisters just stared at them with a knowing look before they returned to their breakfast.  
  
“Would you like to have your breakfast here ? Or are you planning to eat somewhere ?” His mother raised her eyebrows, more likely asking to Yuto than himself.  
  
“If it’s okay, I actually thought of taking Ryosuke to this restaurant nearby.” Yuto put a hand on his shoulder, while answering his mother’s question politely.  
  
“Of course it’s okay !” His mother reacted a little too excited that should be. “Please take your time. Just make sure that Ryosuke won’t get too exhausted or anything, okay ? And please remind him to take his medicines properly.”  
  
“I understand. I have packed everything Ryosuke might need already.” Yuto smiled as he patted the backpack he carried on his shoulder.  
  
True enough, after Ryosuke changed his clothes, he found Yuto stuffing things into his backpack happily, all the while humming a cheerful song. Ryosuke recognized some of the things as his, but he said nothing at it, knowing that Yuto just did what he had to do.  
  
“Of course.” His father gave him a nod. “I trust you, Yuto-kun.”  
  
The tall boy just grinned before he bid the Yamadas goodbye.  
  
“We will be taking our leave then. _Shitsureishimasu_.” He bowed and his parents just waved them off.  
  
“ _Ittekimasu_.” Ryosuke said as he looked at his family who just smiling back at him.  
  
“ _Itterasshai_.” His mother gave his head a slight pat before ushering him off. “Quick. Yuto-kun is waiting for you.”  
  
Ryosuke nodded his head as he followed Yuto out of the house. The taller boy smiled before he took his hand and walked away.  
  
The two of them took their time leisurely exploring the town. First, Yuto brought him to a family restaurant which had this nostalgic feeling as he made an entrance into the not-so big restaurant. He assumed that he visit the place quite often as the people from the restaurant seemed to recognize him and Yuto. But then again, Yuto once said that he is an entertainer, so they might knew them from television or such.  
  
After that, Yuto took him to visit many places around town. From a well-known clothing store, to a small antique store hidden at the corner of the street which. And lastly, he brought him to a park where beautiful sakura trees lined together in a long row. He smiled as he was mesmerized by the view of sakura petals fell to the the ground. He giggled as one petal fell right into his nose before he blew it off.  
  
“What do you think about this place ?” Yuto asked him after a while.  
  
Ryosuke smiled. “It’s beautiful. Thank you for showing me this place, Yuto-kun.”  
  
He heard Yuto chuckled and frowned in confusion. Did he just said something funny ?  
  
“It’s nothing.” Yuto shook his head, as if reading the question in his mind. “It’s just, it was the exact words you said when I first took you here.”  
  
“I was here before ?” Ryosuke asked him curiously.  
  
The tall boy nodded his head. “We came here last year, and the year before that, and the year before that. So you can say that this place is quite an important place for us. That’s why, I was slightly hoping that perhaps, you will remember something.” He shrugged as he stared at the fallen petals with soft eyes.  
  
“I’m sorry.” Ryosuke apologized automatically. It was strange, but he felt his chest tightened at hearing Yuto’s confession.  
  
“Why are you apologizing ?” Yuto chuckled as he pat his head affectionately. “You’re all smiling and happy. It was more than enough for me.”  
  
“But-“ Ryosuke protested.  
  
“Yama-chan.” The taller boy called his name softly. “You can forget about everything and anything. But that won’t change the way I see you. Memories can always be re-build as long as we’re together, but your presence cannot. I can stand you forgetting about us, but I can’t stand being away from you.”  
  
Ryosuke bit his lips as he looked down, avoiding Yuto’s eyes. Somehow, he felt like crying. Yuto’s words were so honest and sincere that he couldn’t helped but feeling touched by it.  
  
“So you don’t have to feel bad about forgetting me or anything. It wasn’t your fault at all.” Yuto put his finger under his chin and lifted his face up gently, forcing him to look at him straight into the eyes. “Okay ?”  
  
He smiled ever so softly and Ryosuke felt his heart melting at the sight. So as a respond, Ryosuke just buried his face into Yuto’s chest, while arms snaked behind his back carefully. He could sense that Yuto was surprised at his act, but a second later, he felt Yuto’s own arms on his back as he pulled him tighter into his comfortable chest.  
  
“You are welcome, Yama-chan.”


	4. Space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imported from my LJ account. Unbeta-ed.
> 
> Inspired from one of Honey L Days' song of the same title, "Ao ~Blue~"

Ryosuke winced as he raised his hand to massage his slightly aching head. It had been happening since he first woke up in the morning, but Ryosuke tried to ignore it, thinking that he might just overworked himself the other day.  
  
It’d been a week since his release from the hospital, and Ryosuke felt healthy enough when he decided that he wanted to try doing some dancing with the rest of his bandmates. It was still unfamiliar, and he still had times when he thought that he’s dreaming, but he’s an entertainer –or so those people said- and he felt a sense of responsibility about his job.  
  
The whole group had a meeting two days ago with the director of the agency he’s in –Johnny-san as they subbed it- and made a decision that Ryosuke will still appear in the upcoming concert, only in a much fewer portion. He won’t take part on any performance which consists many hard choreography, and isn’t allowed to run around the stage. As an addition, they had also cancelled Ryosuke’s solo corner and changed it into Jr.’s corner instead.  
  
Johnny-san told them that the news about his accident was widely known, so they could make it a reason for Ryosuke’s lack of appearances on the concert. But the fact that he lost his memories was still kept as a secret, so Ryosuke has to do his best to look assuring. The agency had agreed that they will relied on lip-sync for Ryosuke’s singing parts only, but he still has many lines to remember as to not embarass himself by mouthing the wrong words.  
  
Johnny-san complained about the fans who would certainly feel displeased this time, and Ryosuke felt utterly guilty that he bowed down so low at him. But the old man just chuckled as he shook his head. He told him not to think about it. Instead of feeling down, he should make this a stepping stone and leapt higher in the future. He gave his shoulder an encouraging squeeze, and then his bandmates assured him that they will be alright, that they will work twice or even thrice harder to make sure that the fans won’t even think about feeling displeased by their concert. And it touched Ryosuke badly that he swore to himself to work harder than anyone to be able to answer everyone’s expectations.  
  
But saying was a lot easier than the actual thing itself. Ryosuke felt so frustated at failing over and over again at a simple move, and despite everyone telling him to don’t mind it, he can’t stop himself from feeling that he’s pulling everyone’s legs instead. And to make it worse, he wasn’t able to remember the lyrics of any songs at all that day, and it frustated him more.  
  
Yuto tried to encouraged him by saying that he failed because he overthink about the whole issue and thus, trying a little too hard that he failed instead. The tall boy told him to relax more, to let his body react spontanously rather than to think over it. Ryosuke had tried, to do as he was told, but somehow, he just can’t do it.  
  
He was about to cry when the practice is over and Yuto gave him a sympathetic smile before the tall boy pulled him into a comforting embrace. He said that there is always tomorrow to improve himself and told him that he should let himself rest for the day. Ryosuke just nodded his head, while silently vowing that he will not make a fool of himself anymore the next day.  
  
And true to be told, after a one night long marathon-ing Hey! Say! JUMP’s PVs and concert DVDs, he had made a great improvement the day after. He felt guilty somehow for staying up all night instead of resting as Yuto told him, but he just had to do it. That was the least he could do for his bandmates, and for Yuto personally.  
  
But it seems that yesterday’s hard work had took it’s toll on him today when he woke up with a splitting headache. But he has practice today, and he doesn’t want to burden his bandmates more than that, so he gulped down an aspirin down to his throat and get ready for the day.  
  
“Are ? What’s wrong with you, Ryosuke ?”  
  
The called boy just smiled at his mother’s question before he sat himself on the dining table, waiting for the breakfast to be served.  
  
“It’s nothing, Mom.”  
  
“But you looked awful.” His mother doesn’t seemed to be convinced as she reached over the kitchen counter and placed her hand on his forehead. “You’re warm. Why don’t you take it easy today and rest at home instead ?”  
  
“I’m just a little tired.” He tried to reasoned out as he gently pushed the hand away. And when his mother gave him a disapproving look, he smiled. “I really am fine, Mom. Look, I promise I will not overwork myself at practice today, alright ?”  
  
His mother just shook her head as she walked away. “Really. Why am I surrounded by hard-headed people in this house ?” She whined playfully as she returned to her cooking. “Fine. You are allowed to go out. But make sure you keep that promise of yours, young man !” She turned around and gave him her infamous glare which made Ryosuke gulped.  
  
“Very well, Ma’am.” He squeaked from his seat and earned a chuckle from his Mother.  
  
“I’ll call Yuto-kun just in case.” His Mother winked and he could only groaned.  
  
***  
  
“Are you sure you are okay ?”  
  
Ryosuke sighed as he heard the same question for the umptenth times today. This is why he didn’t want his Mother to tell Yuto about this. It’s not that he hated the concern the taller boy is giving to him, it’s just, being worried over all the time kinda made him felt suffocated somehow.  
  
“I’m fine, Yuto-kun.” He forced a smile even when he felt like a big hammer is hitting his head over and over again.  
  
“Really ?” Yuto tried.  
  
“Yeah.” He nodded his head ever so slowly, careful not to worsen his headache.  
  
“Do you-“  
  
“Yuto ! We need to talk about your drums’ solo !” Yabu’s voice suddenly rang from across the room, and Ryosuke silently thanked the oldest JUMP member for the interruption.  
  
“In a second !” Yuto shouted at JUMP’s unofficial leader before he turned back at Ryosuke. “You wait here, okay ? I’ll be right back.”  
  
Ryosuke just smiled as he ushered the taller boy to just go. And with one last apologetic look, Yuto fled to the other side of the room, leaving a sighing Ryosuke plopping onto a nearby couch.  
  
“What’s the matter ?”  
  
Ryosuke, who had just closed his eyes quickly reopened them at the new voice and found Daiki plopped down next to him. He gave the older boy a sheepish smile which had Daiki rolled his eyes.  
  
“Told you not to be so proper with me, right ?”  
  
“Sorry.” Ryosuke mumbled lowly. “Can’t helped it.” He scratched the back of his head awkwardly.  
  
“Yeah, yeah.” Daiki shrugged nonchalantly as he plopped down next to him. “So, what’s the matter ?” He repeated his question before gulping down the water from the bottle he brought.  
  
“It’s nothing.” Ryosuke shook his head as he spoke softly.  
  
“You know that it’s not nothing, so why bother deceiving yourself.” Commented the older lighlty, this time wiping the sweat with the back of his hand.  
  
Ryosuke gulped at the statement made by the boy on his side. He took a careful glance to where Yuto just went to, before sighing deeply.  
  
“It is somehow suffocating, Yuto-kun’s concern that is.” He started. “I’m not saying that I hate it, it’s just, I hope that he will stop pestering me all the time. I need space, and I don’t need him watching over me twenty four-seven. And in addition, I feel like I’m burdening him with the necessity of taking a responsibility over me somehow.”  
  
And to his surprise, instead of comforting words or the likes, Ryosuke received a laughter instead. A deep and long laughter.  
  
“D-Daiki-kun ?” He tried, all the while moving back a few inch in the process just in case the other boy break.  
  
“S-sorry.” Daiki said in between his breaths as he wiped the tear from the corner of his eyes. “It’s just, oh God, you’re just so clueless that it’s hilarious somehow.”  
  
“Excuse me ?” Ryosuke raised his eyebrow, feeling somehow offended by his words.  
  
“No offence here.” Daiki spreaded both his arms to signaled him that he meant no harm. “But let me tell you something: You should stop worrying over this thought. Yuto had always been like that –especially to you-, and if you felt uncomfortable with his affections, you tell him directly, that you need space for your own. I’m sure he will understand if you tell him nicely. In the meantime, why don’t you try and figure it out by yourself ? About why Yuto would do that far for you and all ? And when you do, I want you to ask yourself, about how do you feel about that ?”  
  
“Ha ?” Ryosuke make a confused face, but the older boy just smiled before giving his head a pat.  
  
“Good luck !” He beamed before dashing off, leaving Ryosuke with his thoughts.


	5. Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imported from my LJ account. Unbeta-ed.
> 
> Inspired from one of Honey L Days' song of the same title, "Ao ~Blue~"

Ryosuke simply want to bury his body and disappear at the constant scoldings his Mother sent to him while fussing over him who could only lie on the bed the next day. She told him on how he should listen to her words and on how he just broke his promise. After telling your Mum that you won’t overexert yourself but still coming out with a 38,7 degree Celcius fever the next day, of course she would burst out. Ryosuke knows it was out of worry, and that’s why he was feeling all guilty about it.  
  
“I’m sorry, Mum. I’ve made you worried again.” He mumbled under his breath as he snuggled deeper into his blanket.  
  
A sigh came from his Mother’s lips as she replaced the cold cloth on his forehead yet again.  
  
“Just, just recover okay ?” His Mother said as she caress his head soothingly.  
  
“Umm.” Ryosuke slowly closed his eyes at the comfort of his Mother’s touch.  
  
“Sleep well, love. We love you.” Was the last thing he heard before he drifted back to sleep.  
  
***  
  
 _“Thank you for taking me here, Yuto-kun.”  
  
The tall boy simply smiled as he brushed a fallen petal from his hair.  
  
“Anything for you, Yama-chan.”  
  
Ryosuke felt the sour feeling withing his heart being washed away completely at the sight of Yuto’s smile. He’s having one of those days he just want to forget, and Yuto always manage to brighten his mood.  
  
“I love you...” He whispered softly, his voice drifted by the wind, but he was sure that Yuto heard him from the small and content smile on his face._  
  
\---  
  
 _“Him again ? Why is it only him who get the special treatment ? It’s not fair to us !”  
  
“Shh ! You shouldn’t talk to loud ! Someone might hear you !”  
  
“But-“  
  
“Look, I know you’re frustated –I am, too ! But as much as I hate it, I have to admit that he deserved the special treatment.”  
  
“Eventhough all he has is just a pretty face.”  
  
“Don’t say that !”  
  
“But it’s the truth !”  
  
“Hey-“  
  
“We’re older and has much more experience than him, we should at least receive the same thing with him !”  
  
“Look, mate, let’s stop this alrady, ‘kay ? It’s not like it’s entirely his fault we’re not debuted yet.”  
  
“Yeah, but he wouldn’t have debuted yet too ! I bet Yamada is seducing the Director to get whatever he wants.”  
  
The two boys continued to bicker without realizing that the subject of their conversation is only behind the wall, trying to silent his sobs and hide himself from the world. They’re not the first one, and certainly won’t be the last to ever badmouthing him on his back. And Ryosuke thought he’s used to it already, but when the words were said with so much hate, he couldn’t help but felt his heart breaking all over again._  
  
\---  
  
 _“Yamada ! Didn’t I tell you to get here before nine ?” The voice of their dance-lecturer is heard from the corner.  
  
“I’m so sorry.” Ryosuke bowed his apology. “I had a long night yesterday and was only home at four this morning. I thought of catching a little sleep before I had to go here, but I overslept.”  
  
A sigh came from the lecturer’s lips as he waved him off.  
  
“Nah, it’s okay. I know you had a rough schedule. Just make sure you don’t repeat it again.” The man told him tiredly as he called for the others’ attention to start preparing for the practice.  
  
Ryosuke sighed as he placed down his bag at the table and took off his jacket. True to be told, he kinda wished the man to get mad at him with full-force, like how he used to be on his early days, because that would show that the man actually care. It’s not like he doesn’t care about him now, it’s just, Ryosuke know his care now is different than his care in the past. Now, the man simply care about him because he is the said ‘golden boy’, always understanding if he missed a step or two, or whenever he’s late for practice.  
  
And as much as Ryosuke thank the man for that, it’s not what Ryosuke really wants._  
  
\---  
  
 _‘What good there is from that talentless boy anyway ? I like JUMP the way it was, before Johnny decided to put that chubby boy up front.’_  
  
 _‘I totally get you. Sometimes I wonder if Johnny really care about JUMP. I mean, he wouldn’t pick that boy as center otherwise, right ?’_  
  
 _‘Yeah. Always the one to get the special treatment. I’m sick of seeing his face being overly exploited on PV and such you know. I want to see the others more.’_  
  
 _‘To be honest, I think it wasn’t fair that only Ryutaro-kun who got suspended from Johnny’s just because he smoke. I mean, surely that fatty had done worse things ! The company was just using their power to conceal them.’_  
  
 _‘Yeah. It’d be better if it’s that boy who left instead of Ryutaro-kun. It’s such a shame, he’s one handsome boy, too.’_  
  
 _‘Totally. Much much better than that shorty.’_  
  
\---  
  
 _“Yama-chan ?”  
  
The boy looked up at the call of his name and found Yuto looking at his tears-stricken face worriedly.  
  
“What’s wrong ?”  
  
He tried to force a smile while giving the taller boy a shake of a head.  
  
“It’s nothing, Yuto-kun. I just-“  
  
Memories of those hurtful words and the way people looked at him came back flashing right before his eyes and Ryosuke just cried harder. He tried to say something but ended up choking on his own sobs.  
  
“Oh my...” Yuto called out as he pulled him into his embrace. “Shh.. It’s okay, Yama-chan. Everything’s going to be okay.”  
  
Ryosuke stay like that for a while, feeling safe under the reassuring hands of Yuto, simply relishing the moment. It felt like forever when his tears finally stopped and he feel like he can talk without choking.  
  
“I’m sorry, Yuto-kun.” He said at last while wiping the last of tears from his eyes. “It’s just, things have been so hard lately and I just can’t take it anymore.”  
  
A sad smile is plastered on Yuto’s lips as he made Ryosuke face him properly.  
  
“Tell me, Yama-chan. What’s wrong ?”  
  
Ryosuke took a deep breath as he looked away.  
  
“I’m tired of this all, Yuto-kun. Of being basked under the spotlights and be the centre of everyone’s attention all the time.” He started. “I’m tired of people saying that I don’t deserve what I have, that I’m nothing but a pretty face, that I’m only using some dirty tricks to get me to where I am.”  
  
“Yama-chan, you know-“  
  
“It’s not true.” He cutted Yuto off. “Of course you’d think that way Yuto-kun. But from my point of view, I can’t helped but to wonder if what they said is right. I start to think that I really don’t deserve this, that I am nothing but a pretty face ! I can’t agree to the part where they said that I did some dirty tricks though.” Ryosuke laugh cynically at his own words.  
  
“Yama-chan...” Yuto called his name softly.  
  
“Sometimes, I hope I was never in this entertainment world. Sometimes, I just want to forget about everything and live freely without having to think about what anyone thought about me.” He sighed deeply as he slumped down on Yuto’s arms.  
  
The soothing hand on his back somehow calmed Ryosuke down. He felt his eyes getting heavier in each seconds but he forced himself to stay awake.  
  
“Just sleep now, Ryosuke. Sleep and rest your heart out. I can’t protect you from the harshness of reality, but I will guard you from the nightmares as you sleep. Sleep now, my love, and let’s face tomorrow with spirit anew, together.”  
_  
 _The calming voice of Yuto assured Ryosuke as he let sleep took over his body. At least inside a dream, he wants to forget all his worries and pain. He trust Yuto will take care of him anyway._


	6. Giving Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imported from my LJ account. Unbeta-ed.
> 
> Inspired from one of Honey L Days' song of the same title, "Ao ~Blue~"

“Who’s calling, Yuto ?”  
  
The tall boy frowned at the name displayed on his phone. It’s rare for this number to be calling him. Usually, it would be Ryosuke’s mother who call him to tell him something or asking him some favour. And to think that this prior morning the said woman just called him to inform him that Ryosuke is sick in bed, Yuto couldn’t help but feel a slight of uneasiness.  
  
“It’s Ryosuke’s Dad.” He mumbled quietly before answering the phone. “Hello ? Otou-san ? Is there something wrong ?”  
  
Yuto waited as the man from the other line spoke. And as the words are finally registered on his head, Yuto felt his heart thumping.  
  
“I understand. I will inform you immediately if I found him.” And with that, he ended the call.  
  
“What’s wrong Yuto ?” Yabu asked him concernedly, seemingly noticing the panic he’s currently feeling.  
  
“It’s Yama-chan.” He told hurriedly as he picked his backpack. “He’s missing.”  
  
Yuto is ready to flee the practice room when Hikaru’s hands stop him.  
  
“Whoa, whoa, whoa ! Easy there, Yuto ! Explain first.” The older man instructed, all his playfulness gone.  
  
“Yama-chan’s Dad just called me,” Yuto started impatiently. “And he told me that when his Mother was about to give him his lunch, Yama-chan was not in his room.” Yuto tried to take a deep breath. “His Mother and sisters searched the house but they couldn’t find him. He told me that they’ve tried places Ryosuke usually frequented but still, there are no traces of his whereabout just yet. He asked me whether I have a clue as to where he might be –that’s why I need to search for him right now.” He told the two boys, eyes desperate. “Please let me go search for him.”  
  
“Calm down, Yuto.” Yabu squeezed his shoulder. “Name us some places. We will search along with you. I’m sure the others will be willing to help as well. After all, more people is faster, right ?”  
  
Yuto gave the boy a weak smile.  
  
“Thanks, Yabu-kun.”  
  
***  
  
The seven members of JUMP had searched everywhere they could think of, but they still couldn’t find Ryosuke anywhere. Both Chinen and Keito had even prompted some places they visited before, but still, the boy is nowhere to be found. Yuto is sure that Ryosuke is nearby though, because there is no way he could have gone far, especially since he’s still having the temperature as per his Mother’s information.  
  
“Any luck ?” Hikaru asked Takaki who had just returned with a dejected face and know exactly the answer to his question.  
  
“He’s not there.” Takaki answered with a sigh. “Is there somewhere else he might went to ? Like a memorable place from his younger days or something. Maybe something like a secret base ?”  
  
At the last sentence coming from Takaki’s mouth, realization quickly came to Yuto. Come to think of it, there is still one place they had yet to search. Almost immediately, Yuto broke into a dash and run outside the room.  
  
“Yuto ! Where are you going ?!” Yabu’s voice echoed through the empty hallway.  
  
“To Yama-chan’s secret base !” He shouted back as he run.  
  
***  
  
Taking a deep breath, Ryosuke leaned his back on the cold wall behind him. He slowly turned his gaze upwards to stare at the fading colour of orange framing the vast sky. He felt his chest tightened and he bit his lips to hold his feelings within. But the longer he suppressed the feeling, the more it overflows him.  
  
And so he gave up.  
  
Closing his eyes, he let his body fell as he felt hot tears flowing freely from his closed eyes. Behind the eyelids, memories from the past began replaying in rapid speed that it dizzied him. Hoping that those will stop, he opened his eyes. But instead, the scenes kept flashing before his eyes. Unable to hold it any longer, he parted his lips and yelled. He yelled and shouted and wailed until his throat dry. Even so, he could still feel the rising frustation building up inside his heart, and so he just cried by himself until he could no longer produce the tears.  
  
***  
  
In an empty and quiet hallway, came a tall figure seen running. Face wet with sweats, breath ragged, the figure frantically turned his head around. It's as if, he's looking for something he couldn't quite place where. He kept on running through the many hallways, searching through the hidden spots, calling through the many rooms, but still couldn't find what he searched for. He then took another turn in a corner, and freezed at what he saw. Widening his eyes in a realization, he dashed to the stairways and quickly made his way up in a surprising speed.  
  
"How can I forget it !" He cursed as he fastened his steps.  
  
And as he reached the top floor, he quickly throw himself to the closed door, only to grunt in pain. It seemed that the door had been locked, and he cursed his luck. As he was about to leave, he suddenly heard faint footsteps coming from the other side of the door. He could feel himself tensed at the sound before he rushed back to the door. Peeking through the small window, he now could see another figure walking away. Widening his eyes as he recognized the person, he shouted the name as he pushed the locked door.  
  
Cursing out loud, he scanned through the area before his eyes fell on a small axe hanging beside the fire-extinguisher's box. He quickly grab the said thing and return back to the door and trying to break the doorknob.  
  
"Come on !"  
  
He swing the small axe over and over again, all the while hoping that he will make it on time. From the look of it, whatever the person from the other side of the door was planning is not a good thing. After his fifth try, the doorknob finally broke, and he immediately forced his way out. Through his ragged breaths, he tried to locate the other person, and widened his eyes as he saw him standing by the edge of the rooftop.  
  
"NO !"  
  
He ran to where the person is standing, and reached out his arms and pulled the other person's body back just as he was about to jump. Breathing heavily, he rolled their position around so that he hover around the other. Staring into those tear-stricken face, he couldn't helped but feeling something inside him stir as the pair of brown eyes looking back at him seemed empty.  
  
"RYOSUKE, YOU STUPID !" He shouted as he pulled the other boy's collar. "WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING ?!"  
  
He could feel tears building up when the said boy just lifelessly stay still.  
  
"WAKE UP, RYOSUKE !" He raised his hand and strike it hard to the boy's cheek.  
  
He almost regretted his violent act, but sighed in relief as it had seemed brought the other back from his reverie.  
  
"Yu-to -kun ?"  
  
Came a quiet whisper as the boy looked at him for real this time. He felt a pang in his heart as he stared at those pair of orbs which is filled with pain and misery, but then decided that it's best than having no emotion at all reflected from those eyes.  
  
"Yes, it's me, Ryosuke." He tried to smile, to give the other boy some kind of an assurance.  
  
"Yuto-kun..." The call is different this time. It's more -painful, and sad.  
  
"It's okay now. Everything's going to be okay."  
  
He pulled the boy up and into his chest. He wrapped his two arms around the boy's back, only to tighten his hold as he felt the boy trembled. He said nothing as the boy began to cry in his chest and wetted his shirt. He just sat still in silence while caressing the boy's back. He just sat still, as he tried to give the boy the comfort he longed for. He just sat still, as his tears fell from hearing the painful sobs the other boy produced. He just sat still, before he finally bury his face on top of those brown locks and kiss the top of his head.  
  
"It's okay now."


	7. Thank You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imported from my LJ account. Unbeta-ed.
> 
> Inspired from one of Honey L Days' song of the same title, "Ao ~Blue~"

"I finally remember." Ryosuke suddenly said, breaking the silence and surprised the other occupants of the room. "Of the things I have selfishly forgotten before."  
  
They are now huddling together inside their practice room, with Ryosuke in the middle of them, body clad with a thin blanket they found in the storage. Ryosuke smiled as the others looked up expectantly at him.  
  
"And perhaps, I now knew that the reason of my lost memories was because a part of me wanted to forget it." He looked down, avoiding eye-contacts with everyone. "This entertainment life has been rough for me lately. With the never-ending workloads, I thought that I could make everyone happy by doing my best in everything I do, no matter how hard it was. But then, it seemed that I have been mistaken."  
  
He closed his eyes, as once again disturbing images started to appearing before him.  
  
"Instead, the people became to hate me because they thought I had 'stolen' too many spots which should be belong to the rest of you. I tried to ignore it at first, but the hateful words kept on increasing each day, and I just can't take it anymore. I had always dreamt to became a star, but now that I'm actually became one, I found myself hating it. 'I wish that I was never a star' was what I thought that day the accident happened. And perhaps, God had heard my prayers and granted it, because after that accident, I was no longer a star, in a way."  
  
He chuckled as he remembered that day.  
  
"I guess that was the reason I couldn't remember you because you were a part of the world I came to hate." He smiled bitterly as he looked away. "It was selfish of me, but now that I remember, I wish that I remained amnesiac. Because by doing so, I could escape the harsh reality and be oblivious of the pain I used to feel. That's why-"  
  
Ryosuke hesitated. He took a glance to where Yuto stood not too far from him. He saw the boy looking back at him with reassuring look, a soft smile framing his gentle face. And so he took a deep breath.  
  
"That's why I thought that I'd rather die than remembering when I tried to jump from this building." He sighed, at the same time hearing the many gasps coming from the people around him.  
  
"Yama-chan !" Came a warning voice of Yabu.  
  
"I know it was stupid." He gave a small smile. "That it was only an impulse in a spur moment. And I could only thanked Yuto-kun for coming at the right time and saved me. I've come to realized that death won't erase the pain and would only add the misery, that's why I gave up on the idea."  
  
A collected sigh of relief could be heard inside the small room.  
  
"But the fact that many people hate me still remains." Ryosuke continued. "That's why, I think it is best for me to quit this life for once and for all. I love to be with you and doing lots of things together with you guys, but I don't think I can move forward like this. After all, I'm afraid of hearing the hateful words all over again. And I don't want to steal what ought to be yours more than this. That's why, eventhough it's hard for me, I've decided to resign from Johnny's, and lead a normal life from now on. Away from the entertainment world."  
  
For a moment, no one said a thing. And none brave enough to break the silence. That is until a certain squirrel boy spoke up.  
  
"Silly Ryosuke."  
  
The said boy looked up and stared at his caller in confusion.  
  
"Chinen ?"  
  
"Why do you have to think so negatively ?" The younger boy sighed. "You're not the only one who got those mistreatment from people, you know. We all do. It's a consequence we have to face once we entered this world. And we -that including you- all knew from the start of what kind of harsh world we will be having."  
  
Ryosuke said nothing as he just stared in confusion toward the shorter boy.  
  
"But didn't we promised that we will always be there for each other through the goods and the bads ? Didn't we vowed to protect each other from any kind of danger ? Didn't we agreed to share each other's sorrows and miseries to be shouldered together ?" The boy looked at him with a dead-serious eyes.  
  
"I don't-"  
  
"I thought our bond was strong enough for us to understand each other without us having to tell a single word, Ryosuke." The boy cut him off. "You told me that once, remember ?"  
  
Ryosuke widened his eyes, taken aback by the sudden outburst.  
  
"Or perhaps, your subconsciousness had gave up on that bond too and decided to forget everything we'd shared ?" A dangerous glint flashed before Chinen's eyes. "If that's the case, then I will say it over and over again to regain that lost memory ! I will remind you every single second so that the words will be implanted in your brain for you to never forget ! If those won't work, then I will personally dig a hole on your head to forced it out on you !"  
  
Ryosuke took a few steps back, overwhelmed by the younger boy's rage.  
  
"Chinen, I-"  
  
"Aren't we family ?"  
  
Chinen looked up, and his eyes met Ryosuke's. And in an instant, Ryosuke felt like his life being replayed right before his eyes. The day he got accepted to Johnny's.. The excitement of coming to his first practice session.. His first time dancing in front of the camera.. His first role in a drama.. Their debut day.. Their first concert.. Running through the stages.. Singing in front of the fans.. Dancing to his heart-content.. Their first album.. The despair of losing Ryutaro.. Their first Asia's tour.. His solo single.. His doubts.. A comforting pat on his back.. Reassuring and encouraging words.. Their struggles to reach the top.. Their endless efforts to be the best.. And then, he broke down.  
  
Ryosuke fell to his knees and cried. He didn't even try to conceal his voice and wailed.  
  
"Yama-chan.."  
  
A worried and concerned Yuto appeared in front of him and he quickly throw himself to the taller's chest. All these times, he only thought about his own pain, forgetting that he has people he could trust his secrets onto. He forgot about the good times and drowned himself in agony. He distanced himself from the people who had always gave him a shoulder to lean on and would always support him against all odds. He strained their bond and he felt ashamed of all those. Knowing nothing to do, Ryosuke just cried and cried and cried until he got tired of it. And when he finally do, he pulled out from Yuto's embrace and smiled weakly.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't mind it." Yuto said gently as he wiped the remnants of tears from his face.  
  
"No, it's not that." Ryosuke shook his head. "I'm sorry." He hung his head low, lips trying to sound his thoughts, but no words came out.  
  
"It's okay, Yama-chan." Yuto said again. “We understand. It’s just, please don’t ever give up ever again.”  
  
“Yuto-kun...” Ryosuke bit his trembling lips, realizing at how stupid he was.  
  
“I’ve told you, right ? You can forget your memories for as many times as you want to, because memories are something you can re-write, as long as you exist.” The tall boy told him, voice a mix of sadness and relief. “But if you’re gone- I just won’t know what to do anymore.”  
  
“I’m sorry, Yuto-kun.” Ryosuke apologized once again. “I really am sorry.”  
  
“Shh.. Now don’t cry again.” Yuto pulled him close. “You’re alright now, that’s what matters.”  
  
***  
  
“Thank you for this, Johnny-san.” He gave the man a bow. “And I’m sorry to have created a fuss.”  
  
“It’s okay, young man.” The man gave him a fatherly pat. “I know you’ve been through a lot.”  
  
He looked at the man gratefully before he gave him one last bow.  
  
“I will be going then.”  
  
“Make sure you don’t overexert yourself. You might have regain your memories, but your body is still recovering from the accident. After all, we can’t have our golden boy collapsed the second time, can we ? I can’t afford any further loss in our income.” The man winked mischiviously before he left. He might have sounded that he only care about the money, but Ryosuke know better that Johnny-san is worried for real.  
  
“I will. Thank you very much, Sir.” He whispered softly at the man’s back, watching as he disappeared from his view.  
  
 _‘Ever since I was a little boy, I had always loved the stars. In the middle of the night, I would always climbed down my bed to gazed at the stars from my open window, and sometimes, fell asleep there with a smile framing my face. I will always got some scoldings from my mother by the morning for being reckless, but I could be careless about it. I loved the stars. So much that I’d wish I could be one someday. From Ultraman to an international soccer player, they were all my childish image of what being a star means, those I tried to become. And after years of hardworks and struggles, I am finally a star now, in a way. But now that I’ve tasted the glam of it, I started to dislike it –no, I hate it. Because in the exchange of being a star, came the dark which would swallow me, slowly and quietly, so when my light is not strong enough, it would erase me completely, into nothingness. And it scared me, that I wished I was never a star in the first place..._  
  
 _Until I realized that facing hardships is an essential factor to make us a brighter, and stronger star. Until I realized that I’m not alone in this battlefield. And I’m grateful, of the people who would always support me through the many obstacles, who would be my salvation in my darkest hour, who would shine and stand along with me, supporting each other through friendly pat and encouraging smile._  
  
 _Thank you everyone. But most specially, thank you, Yuto-kun. For helping me recreating my memories, and for always being there whenever I need someone the most. Thank you...’_


End file.
